somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
