Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
