he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
