please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
