I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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