He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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