We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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