everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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