There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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