I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
