I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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