I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
