i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
