speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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