i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
