Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
