As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
