Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
