Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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