i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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