I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
