It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
