when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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