i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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