Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's the barista slut.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
