So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is Oprah even human
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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