woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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