I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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