My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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