I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
