i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
