my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
