I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
