Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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