I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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