I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
