Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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