I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
