the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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