Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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