no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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