I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
