You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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