I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
