Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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