I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
