I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
