I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
