'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
