Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
