Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
