It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
