my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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