I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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