My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
