If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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