Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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