He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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