Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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