Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"