i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.