I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?