I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.