I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?