i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
