smell my finger.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
