my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
