Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
