I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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