Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
